Adrenaline Junky

I Dont Want to Be Afraid.

I’ve jumped off tall rocks and structures before. You stand on top with the water far below. A close friend, close beside.

The rock, the cliff, or bridge, the water… It’s daunting.

You both laugh, poke, pretend to shove one another over the edge like its all a big joke.

Oh,¬†Don’t fall!¬†

You both know its not life or death, it’s only water.¬†Nonetheless, its frightening.

Since neither of you wants to jump first, you both flirt. You flirt with the water. Sick to your stomach in anticipation. The sinking feeling as you fly with gravity. The flood waiting for you at the bottom. Fear.

Eventually the wind picks up, and it becomes apparent to you both; that you must either jump, or call it a day and go home.

On three, or one after the other, you both agree to take the fall.

Leaving the ground beneath you, only to have it soar over your head, is a panic. The air burns your skin, before the surface knocks the wind from you lungs, and the water is all too cold.

One of two things happens.

Always.

 

  • I¬†look back up at the sky above me, only to realize, my friend¬†has in fact; not jumped. They¬†found another way down. I am alone.

 

  • Rising to the water’s surface, they¬†are already swimming to shore. No remarks about the journey. My friend is gone. I am alone.

 

 

I bob¬†up and down on the waves of impact, staring from a distance with confusion. The water feels so far up into my head, I can’t breath from my nose. I cough. The water is cold, my hands and feet are numb, swimming becomes difficult. I’m alone.

The trip back to shore is much longer than the jump, and the memory thereof aches longer than the climb.

 

I can only think to myself:

Why did I jump?

Why did I even climb up there in the first place?

Should I have known better?

 Why?.

              Why?!.

                           Why.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† …

 

To be clear; I don’t hate the fall, and the water is not always cold.

But that jump..

The jump will forever be the most difficult part, and hopefully, someday..

I will not be left drowning at the bottom, alone.

The Dishonest Truth

Of all that I have struggled with in my life, honesty has never been an issue. Not that I do not lie. Not that I have not stretched the truth. But lying is something I avoid. I am good at it, but it is entirely unnecessary. I quit lying when i graduated high school and no longer had to answer; “not really” when asked, by my mother, if I had any homework. Nowhere in my life does lying ever suit. My home, my work, my friends. I am brutally honest almost to a fault. And it comes naturally.

Lying to me just doesn’t make much sense.

I have witnessed a lot of falsehoods. A lot of fibs. I know of too many occasions when someone stretched the truth to the point where their lie was no longer even plausible. And I can only think:

“How did you even get to this point? At what point was this story of yours at all easier?”

My conscience eats me alive when I intentionally change the truth. Its the same feeling i would get tracking mud into the house, as a kid. Like, Mom will eventually find this.. and i’m going to regret smearing dirt across the carpet, as soon as she realizes i did.

Lying is the same. Its sometimes feels easier than facing direct repercussions. But in the long run it is worth it, to avoid that inner feeling. The dread of: I just misled this person, on purpose.

Knowing that feeling within myself exists, I can only look on in wonder at those who live it constantly. What makes them Lie, So fluidly?..

I rolled it over in my mind today. Of all the chronic liars i have encountered in my life, and those I am still acquainted with today.. What in their subconscious allows such dishonesty?

At face value, my mind tells me to cast them out as untrustworthy people. They stretch the truth, you can’t believe what they say, avoid them.

Often times, that is all that works.

If i’m being honest, remaining around those dishonest, often changes my own perception of a situation. People turn on each other in search of the truth. Friends and enemies will fight to defend reputations. Until, eventually everyone is shredding the truth apart, in attempt to find one piece of evidence, that they themselves are not clinically insane. Or at least that’s how it always seems.

If i dig a little deeper, give them the benefit of the doubt, really evaluate a situation.. there may be a much deeper issue. Something beyond just: they like avoiding the truth. 

Chew on this:

If a dishonest person lies to themselves,

when they speak, are they lying to your face?

Or are they simply relaying the message

that they convinced themselves of earlier..?

Dishonesty starts at the core. I believe the chronic liar is just as dishonest with themselves, as they are with everyone around them. Imagine how easy it must be, to Lie, when in your own mind you are telling people exactly what you had been told, before – by yourself.

Decide within yourself, exactly how any given circumstance should be. Explain to yourself why it should be that way. And convince your heart, that your mind is speaking the truth.

In reality, the truth was misplaced. The truth was set aside, never to be found again.

In reality, you have lied to yourself. The truth is left for those around you to find.

There is not once person I can refer to. For I know of more than just one person. I still know of no good way to approach these kinds of people.

Slowly.

In the end, you still cannot trust what a person says, when they continue to lie to themselves.

However.

Rather than label them liars. Rather than plastering the word; False, on their forehead..

Gently, we need to give these people the chance.. to decipher the truth.

Honesty, in every fashion, may be the only way to do so.