Awake

Your arms around my neck,

Your voice in my ear,

Your breath in my hair,

I feel you.

Whisper you love me,

Say you’ll be near,

Tell me you’re mine,

I need you.

(Don’t go. Come back. Why would you leave?)

Don’t open the blinds; delay the sun.

The morning can wait; my heart, undone. 

I’m awake, awake, awake, alone.

I ache, I ache, I ache, come home.

(Please come home.)

Look to the sky, place the note in the bottle.

Clear my head of this mirky water. 

I laugh, You laugh. Cover your blushing face.

Your eyes, my eyes, hide in self disgrace.

I wake up screaming, fallen from bed. 

I’ve only ever been alone, imaginary friend in my head; I’m dead.

I’m awake, awake, awake, alone.

I ache, I ache, I ache, come home.

Look to the sky, put my life in the bottle.

 The brim overflows; bloody water. 

Adrenaline Junky

I Dont Want to Be Afraid.

I’ve jumped off tall rocks and structures before. You stand on top with the water far below. A close friend, close beside.

The rock, the cliff, or bridge, the water… It’s daunting.

You both laugh, poke, pretend to shove one another over the edge like its all a big joke.

Oh, Don’t fall! 

You both know its not life or death, it’s only water. Nonetheless, its frightening.

Since neither of you wants to jump first, you both flirt. You flirt with the water. Sick to your stomach in anticipation. The sinking feeling as you fly with gravity. The flood waiting for you at the bottom. Fear.

Eventually the wind picks up, and it becomes apparent to you both; that you must either jump, or call it a day and go home.

On three, or one after the other, you both agree to take the fall.

Leaving the ground beneath you, only to have it soar over your head, is a panic. The air burns your skin, before the surface knocks the wind from you lungs, and the water is all too cold.

One of two things happens.

Always.

 

  • I look back up at the sky above me, only to realize, my friend has in fact; not jumped. They found another way down. I am alone.

 

  • Rising to the water’s surface, they are already swimming to shore. No remarks about the journey. My friend is gone. I am alone.

 

 

I bob up and down on the waves of impact, staring from a distance with confusion. The water feels so far up into my head, I can’t breath from my nose. I cough. The water is cold, my hands and feet are numb, swimming becomes difficult. I’m alone.

The trip back to shore is much longer than the jump, and the memory thereof aches longer than the climb.

 

I can only think to myself:

Why did I jump?

Why did I even climb up there in the first place?

Should I have known better?

 Why?.

              Why?!.

                           Why.

                                          …

 

To be clear; I don’t hate the fall, and the water is not always cold.

But that jump..

The jump will forever be the most difficult part, and hopefully, someday..

I will not be left drowning at the bottom, alone.

The Bleeding of My Babbling Heart

Letters.

Never sent.

Letters.

In the hand of my own worst enemy.

Letters.

Don’t let her see them. Don’t let anyone see them. Please. 

With a smirk on his face, he holds them over the edge.

“I will drop them”. He says.

Rain upon the crowd, my thoughts, my emotions. Rain on the world my planned out speeches of romance and love, never to be heard. Never to be spoken.

Rain. The tears of my eyes. The storm in my heart.

Please, No. 

The world can’t even look up. Completely unaware. My entire mind, everything unspoken, written.

Letters.

What if she finds them. Will she know they’re for her?

 

Still staring at me from the edge, His look hasn’t changed. He knows what is written. He has memorized every word. He has no way of knowing the passion behind them, but to him none of it makes any sense, anyways.

“I will drop them” He says once more.

The force inside me stops my breath short. The agony, the fire, the dread. The thought of trekking paths unknown.

Drop them. 

Go ahead. Let the world see. The core of my being. My soul cut open, served on a silver platter. Go ahead. Drop them.

Maybe she’ll understand. Maybe she’ll feel the same. Maybe she will be the first and only person to read the letters, and she will cherish them forever. Yes.

His face finally changes.

It is I.

Standing on the edge. Letters in hand. Sadistic smirk on my face. I look at myself, with a look of pleasure at my own discomfort, and  I once again cringe.

“I will drop them.”  I say.

No. Please no. 

My arms wrap around my head. Not far enough. This shell of a body covers, not enough of my being, as I long only for total seclusion.

Burry me alive.

Run my fingers through my hair. Turn in my sleep.

 

I have not written any letters.

But how dare I show her; whats written on my heart.

I stare myself down, standing on the edge, threatening myself.

“I’ll drop them”.

A sick joke.

Go ahead. Tell her. Spell it all out. Let the world know.

No.

No human being ever understands.

Not her. Not you. Not me. Nobody.

 

Letters.

If only it were all that easy.

 

I let them go.

Misjudged.

Driving home from work, I was planning out this big elaborate blog post.

I was gonna touch on what happened this summer between myself and some other individuals (who were gonna remain nameless)..

I was going to briefly explain what happened, and write about how angry it made me. How unjust it was. How misjudged I became.

I was going to discuss trust, gossip, and reputations. Jumping to conclusions. A slap in the face.

 

Now, I’m sitting at my computer. I checked the mail, ate some food, took a shower. I turned on some chill music. I’m having a change of heart.. At least in regards to what I want to write about.

What happened months ago is nobody’s concern. It happened, it ended, I have moved on. Bringing it back up again, to the top of my mind, for my soul to boil over, is unnecessary.

Like clouds that roll in unexpectedly, and disappear on their own time, this past issue eats at me.

I am not just making some cliché metaphor about clouds to sound poetic. I have gone weeks without it ever surfacing on my mind. Then, without any real warning, I remember. The clouds roll in overnight, and if I’m lucky, they blow over by late morning. Other times, like the cold season, I am not so easily set free.

My mind is not the sky, however. Unlike the open air, I CAN change my perspective on issues. I CAN push out the clouds, and reel in the sun.

Today, I reel in the sun.

Anyone wandering across this page, may by this point, be extremely curious what instance I am referring to. Maybe if you’re lucky i’ll address it in another post. Not today.

Needless to say. I am making a conscious decision to shift the wind of my mind. I have already done what I can to forgive. This post is not about forgiveness, but it Is in the past. I am done getting angry about problems I cant go back in time and fix. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone carries a knife. Who am I to complain? When i trip over backwards, and they happen to be standing behind me?

When we were kids, pictures and notebooks had the occasional rippled surfaces; that when moved, would animate themselves, or change color. Depending on the angle you looked at it, you might see an entirely different picture*.

Life is a series of mental games. A card is held up, and you’re asked what you see. You can see whatever you want of the card. You can sit and stare at it for hours, until you’ve convinced yourself, you know exactly what the image depicts.

Stand up and walk around. Ask someone else’s opinion. You may find something entirely different.

Is the card red, or blue? Is it a lion, or a fish? Was it a stab in the back, or one big misunderstanding?

Plot twist!

yes.

It depends on how you look at it.

That being said..

 

Life sucks.

 

But, good gracious.. Life, is no short of spectacular. 

 

Forgive, Forget, Move On. Stand up for what you believe, and when your biggest critic is yourself. Light your own sky on fire, and chase away the clouds; because the sun needs reeling in.

 

 

** Lenticular Printing