Misjudged.

Driving home from work, I was planning out this big elaborate blog post.

I was gonna touch on what happened this summer between myself and some other individuals (who were gonna remain nameless)..

I was going to briefly explain what happened, and write about how angry it made me. How unjust it was. How misjudged I became.

I was going to discuss trust, gossip, and reputations. Jumping to conclusions. A slap in the face.

 

Now, I’m sitting at my computer. I checked the mail, ate some food, took a shower. I turned on some chill music. I’m having a change of heart.. At least in regards to what I want to write about.

What happened months ago is nobody’s concern. It happened, it ended, I have moved on. Bringing it back up again, to the top of my mind, for my soul to boil over, is unnecessary.

Like clouds that roll in unexpectedly, and disappear on their own time, this past issue eats at me.

I am not just making some cliché metaphor about clouds to sound poetic. I have gone weeks without it ever surfacing on my mind. Then, without any real warning, I remember. The clouds roll in overnight, and if I’m lucky, they blow over by late morning. Other times, like the cold season, I am not so easily set free.

My mind is not the sky, however. Unlike the open air, I CAN change my perspective on issues. I CAN push out the clouds, and reel in the sun.

Today, I reel in the sun.

Anyone wandering across this page, may by this point, be extremely curious what instance I am referring to. Maybe if you’re lucky i’ll address it in another post. Not today.

Needless to say. I am making a conscious decision to shift the wind of my mind. I have already done what I can to forgive. This post is not about forgiveness, but it Is in the past. I am done getting angry about problems I cant go back in time and fix. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone carries a knife. Who am I to complain? When i trip over backwards, and they happen to be standing behind me?

When we were kids, pictures and notebooks had the occasional rippled surfaces; that when moved, would animate themselves, or change color. Depending on the angle you looked at it, you might see an entirely different picture*.

Life is a series of mental games. A card is held up, and you’re asked what you see. You can see whatever you want of the card. You can sit and stare at it for hours, until you’ve convinced yourself, you know exactly what the image depicts.

Stand up and walk around. Ask someone else’s opinion. You may find something entirely different.

Is the card red, or blue? Is it a lion, or a fish? Was it a stab in the back, or one big misunderstanding?

Plot twist!

yes.

It depends on how you look at it.

That being said..

 

Life sucks.

 

But, good gracious.. Life, is no short of spectacular. 

 

Forgive, Forget, Move On. Stand up for what you believe, and when your biggest critic is yourself. Light your own sky on fire, and chase away the clouds; because the sun needs reeling in.

 

 

** Lenticular Printing

Tears of Glowing Red

I’m writing, right now, just to write.

Because writing, right now, feels right. 

Imagine, with me, a world where no one ever struggled with purpose. Where no one ever wondered, what am i supposed to do today? Where no one ever wondered what they were going to do tomorrow.

Imagine, no confusion. No loss for words. No pain at loss of worth.

Imagine… Imagine. 

Imagine that world, was already here among us.

Imagine we just fail to see it.

Would we struggle with depression, would we struggle with anxiety, would we struggle with the pain of ‘no purpose’… If we knew, the depression, anxiety, and pain, were in fact our very purpose?

A tree does not struggle with losing its leaves. Losing its leaves is part of its very purpose. A tree cries, tears of blood, glowing red on the way to the ground. Over time its’ tears become exactly what the tree was needing all along. In doing so, the tree provides for everything around it, simultaneously saving its own life, and yours.

Imagine.

Nobody ever notices a tree, until it changes colors.

Nobody appreciates a tree, until it has learned to cry.

Not an “about me” page.

When i awoke this morning, after the 9 hours of sleep which followed my Incredible Thanksgiving, I was depressed, and tired. My mind ached, and i was hungry (for more than just food).

I would explain what my Thanksgiving consisted of, and what all made it so spectacular, but that is irrelevant. All you need to know, is my Thanksgiving was an amazing day of great food and fellowship with my family and many friends. My thanksgiving ended with me in bed at 11:00pm feeling full of love and great food. I slept until 8:00am and woke up the the sun breaking through the curtains on my bedroom windows, with 3 more days free of work..

But, this morning I awoke to the sun, and my mind, to my surprise, went:

“…ggghhhaaaaaa…. why am i here?..”

And immediately I scolded myself like my mind was a spoiled child on the car ride home from Disneyland, on Christmas break. Like Yesterday was so amazing, and i have 3 days ahead of me with no homework, what could i possible be upset about?

To this hour, at 5:30pm, i have no idea what caused such discontentment.

I feel much better now though. Let me explain.

I woke depressed. I didn’t shower. I rolled downstairs and jumped on my computer. I grabbed a cookie from the day before, and I played videogames for 2 hours. Often times a bit of ‘relax and enjoy doing nothing’ is all i need to sorta lighten a bad mood, but this morning it didn’t help.

I shut my computer, and took a shower. I texted my mom about a pair of pants she wanted me to try on before she bought them, for me, for christmas. I put on my favorite pair of skinny jeans. I played my favorite music.

My mind went: “..ghhaaaa… why am i here?..”

I opted to visit my mom and sister, who took me out to lunch.

We stopped by the store. I tried on the clothes. I picked out the correct size. I watched my mom pay for them right then and there. We ate at cheap restaurant, and my mom bought me the most expensive meal on the menu. Her and my sister were all smiles. They were going shopping for the rest of the day, and had plans for a movie later in the evening.

I was welcome to come along.

My mind went: “…ghhaaaaaaaa……. why am i here?..”

I told them: “Im just really tired. Thanks, but no thanks”.

(Not a lie… not the full truth).

I left, to go home. I planned on sleeping the rest of the day away, and maybe playing some videogames again in the evening. So i drove away.

 

Here’s where my day began to turn around

 

I got half way home, playing some of my favorite somber songs.

One song in particular spoke to my soul..

*And I begin to envy the headlights driving south
I want to crack the door so I can just fall out
But then I remember when you packed my car
You reached in the back and buckled up your heart

For me to drive away with
I began to understand
Why God died

Following that verse, is a happy little drum beat, alongside a sad little melody..  my heart burned.

I bobbed my head, turned it up, and started the song over from the beginning.. because who am I, and how dare I?

Who am I to ask: “Why am I here”?

This day is not an ‘About Me’ Page. No day, is an ‘About Me’ Page.

The right turn was towards home, but I turned left.

I ran to the grocery store on a whim and spent a little money on some minor grocery items I was in need of. My laptop was in my car, so I made the conscious decision; after the grocery store I was going to stop by the library and write in my book. Today needed something productive. Today needed something more than just me.

As i left the grocery store.. i stopped my car in the middle of the lane, at the sight of a middle aged mexican man. He was obese, and struggled to walk. He was loading groceries in his tiny little ghetto car. There was an elderly woman riding shotgun, and an eight foot 2×4 sticking out the back window. This man had his calloused legs wrapped, and was apparently Ill beyond his obesity. Yet, somehow, all things considered, this man seemed entirely content with his life and well being.

So, stepping from my car, I approached this man. I handed him a twenty dollar bill. Shook his hand, wished him a great holiday season, and told him God Bless.

I got back in my car and drove away before he could say anything more than: “Thank you, you too”.

Driving away, I smiled.

You reached in the back and buckled up your heart
For me to drive away with
I began to understand
Why God died

Life is not an ‘About Me’ page.

I worked on my book for an hour and a half at the local library. I wrote the first two pages of chapter 11, and felt like i really accomplished something for the day.

As I walked toward the front door of the library, on my way out, I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill. It belonged in my man purse, not in my pocket. I would surely lose it.

I did not, for one second, hesitate.

Without stopping for a moment, I dropped the five dollars in the lap of an unsuspecting young man sitting in a chair on the edge of the hallway. I didn’t lock eye contact. I didn’t tell him my name. I didn’t look back. I had headphones in, so I didn’t listen.

I didn’t want to hear “thank you”. I didnt want to hear “come back”.

I walked out without a word, and this young man is now five dollars richer, and I’m glad.

Love is not an ‘About Me’ page.

Ultimately, this day has brought me here. I am home, 25 dollars short, and I couldn’t be more happy, with 25 dollars spent. 

Because what is life, if lived only for ones self?

It is certainly not a life, full.

It is certainly not love.

So to that, there is no About Me page.

This blog is about you.

**twenty øne piløts – A Car, A Torch, A Death