I Can’t

If I can’t write you something deep and show you what is right,

How am I to be there when you fall?

If I can’t speak a work, and keep you up at night,

Should I be writing you at all?

 

I want to blow your mind.

Or somehow slow down time.

Point a pen in your direction and make you think your brain is mine.

 

 But I can’t.

 

 I’m missing that spark, that pop star flare.

That light in the dark to make you stare.

I’m just me.

 

I’ll never have the look, that award show given face.

Like a plot hole in a book I’m out of place.

I’m just me.

 

And I can’t.

 

I want to write a page of history,

Be a chapter all alone.

Your favorite part of this story,

Bring in ratings on my own.

 

But I won’t.

Because you don’t know who I am.

 

I’m just me.

 

And I can’t.

Bury Me Alive, See What Happens

**I’ve been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, Motionless in White, Falling in Reverse, Asking Alexandria, etc.. I’m not in a band. But this is my Post-Hardcore song. No actual thoughts of violence behind this. Just trying to sound angsty.**

 

Feel the cold all pressed against you.

Steal the soul and past back to you.

Soil from the land around you,

Foiled like their planned “end” of you.

Chorus: 

Burst up from the ground.

Take back all you found.

Blow your “friends” a kiss before you put them all back down. 

Reach your crazy hands straight up.

Breach the daisy, roots cut up.

Fix your posture, stand right up. 

Sticks break noise, the town wakes up.

Chorus (Yelling):

Burst up from the ground!

Take back all you found!

Blow your “friends” a kiss as you smile, PUT THEM DOWN! 

 

(insert massive metal-core breakdown)

RAIN HELL!…

No one gets away!

PAIN FELL!…

All. earth. ends. today!

Burst open the ground. 

Put back all you found.

Blow the world a kiss after you burn the whole thing down. 

 

2017 Recap

January 1, 2018…

 

Here’s to end of the greatest year of my Life.

It didn’t really hit me until late last night. We went to Cassie’s parents house at 9:30pm to hang out for New Years.

Steve was trying extra hard to just be a cool father-in-law. I about bit my tongue when I told him Cassie and I had nowhere else to be, that we could hang out till midnight. But seemed really happy to hear it, and recruited Alex and I to take a guys trip to get firewood. We jumped in the 15 passenger van they call “Beast”, and went across town to pick up some scrap pallets. It was super low key. I finally felt like they actually wanted me there. They weren’t trying to passively scare me away.

 

Back at the house we sat around a fire outback cracking dumb jokes, roasting marshmallows, listening to music and distant fireworks. Midnight approached and Tami insisted the married couples all kiss, so the twins did a countdown and Cassie gave me a quick peck. My only thought was like “oh.. We’re allowed to do this now..”

It hit me last night, and this morning. I just closed out the best year of my life at my In-laws house. It’s a new year.

 

I didn’t write nearly as much as I would have liked this year.. So I’ll have to just run through some highlights.

 

2017

 

The most productive, the most exciting, the most complete year of my life.

 

In no particular order:

 

I got married.

Moved into what is basically my first ‘real’ apartment.

Went to Texas, twice.

Went to several concerts.

Published my first novel and a book of poems.

Started two new books.

 

Broke my toe.

Played in a competitive frisbee league.

Got really good at rock climbing.

Built my own rock wall.

Grew a lot closer to my own family.

Had gifts to give on Christmas.

Learned I have the best group of friends I could have ever asked for.

Core, Zech, Phil, Manny, My Brothers.

 

Kevin remodelled half his house.

Dani might work for Dutch Bros. HQ.

Elliott is a Cop.

Bethany already has character.

Cassie is the best Medical Assistant, ever.

I got a small raise.

 

We got a new 4Runner.

A handgun.

Full camping gear.

A great collection of climbing equipment.

 

The year was not perfect. But I would not ask for it to have been any different.

 

2018

 

We slept in today.

I made Cassie Waffles and Coffee and served her in bed. Read a chapter of my Bible. Went for a 28 minute run, while listening to Ben Shapiro and finished it with some pull ups. I did the dishes and am now writing this at just past noon.

 

This year I have a bunch of cool stuff planned.

Frisbee League. Climbing. Camping. Family trip in January and February. Cassie’s birthday. Volleyball. Shooting. Wild Rogue Relay.

 

I don’t really do “resolutions” but if I had to set some goals. I want to train again like old times to get in shape for Frisbee and the Relay. I wanna keep climbing through the summer without a broken toe this year. I wanna eat more salad. I wanna drink more water. I wanna read my bible more. I wanna keep up on politics with Ben Shapiro. I wanna publish a few children’s books and work on the other novels.

 

I want to finish 2018 even closer to Cassie than I already am.

 

Nothing about 2017 would have been the same, had I broken up with her the year before.

I would have quit climbing. I would have never played frisbee. I would have stopped playing volleyball. I would have not sold my trailer. I would have not gotten an apartment. I would have not eaten salad. I would have not had gifts to give on christmas. Would not have been a good friend for my guys. Would not have made my parents proud. I would have not written half the poetry.

 

Here’s to Twenty-Seventeen, and the next Seventy Seven Years.

 

Praise God for pouring out blessings I was far from deserving. I am eternally grateful.

 

1955

I want to take life back to that World War Romance,

To return safe home in time for one slow dance.

 

I would have survived World War II, and come home to You.

We started our life together.

We bought a house after the War, I’m not away any more,

And we vowed to love each other forever.

 

I want to sit next to you on our wrap around porch while the family dog sleeps at my feet.

We watch the sun rise above our American Flag as the paper boy rolls down the street.

With faint fm static the radio is playing.

Our son runs from the field with a cheerful voice, saying:

The apples are nearly ripe enough to eat.

 

With a day off work I have no reason to worry.

Content in the moment, we have no wish to hurry.

You finish a book and add it to a shelf where there’s not much room for more

So we set it aside and flip through the letters I wrote you during the war.

 

We reach the middle of the day, and our kids want to see the town.

So we dress ourselves in our nicest set of clothes and drop the convertible top down.

While cruising along you stand on your seat. You smile with the wind in your hair

You give me a kiss for good times sake, and you laugh up a breath of  fresh air.

 

Everyone waves as we come to a stop.

Our kids run by the bookstore to the ice cream shop.

Hand in hand we saunter along.

Our son has a pocket full of candy.

We skip down the sidewalk to our favorite song

As our daughter holds laughter handy.

 

We drive back home to prepare for the night

And work in the garden till we run out of light.

After supper is through I clean up with you

And I come to realize… at the moment my whole life is right.

 

I want to take life back to that World War Romance,

To return safe home to a life long dance.

Let’s live like they did in Nineteen Fifty Five

And I promise you now, we’ll  keep romance alive.

Felicity – Out Now

Book Front

I worked on this book for 3 years and have finally finished it. No editor, no agent, just me.

I self published through Lulu.com.

Its a quick 250 page sci-fi about a young boy from the slave race beneath a floating Utopian city.

It’s an allegorical tale full of suspense and cliff hangers, action, mystery, and a little bit of romance.

I poured my heart and soul into this book and it may very well be one of the best books ever written. In my completely biased opinion.

This book will make you ponder what it means to be truly happy, and will challenge you to rethink what you’ve been taught, and re-evaluate everything you believe.

Find Joy through Hardship, find Life through days not worth living.

Purchase it here:

http://www.lulu.com/shop/travis-jantzer/felicity/paperback/product-23151646.html

(also available on amazon)

And contact me about it here:

author.travis.jantzer@gmail.com

Thanks for you support! 🙂

Preferences 

She stood in the store, I came through the door. I had answered her call, to meet at the mall. 

She looked with care afraid of my stare, my girl had just dyed her hair. 

 
And she says: 

 “I know that I look different today.  

Would you miss me if I went away?

 Do you still love me like you did yesterday?” 

And I replied:

 “My preference will only change as you do. 

You’re beautiful. Babe, I love You.” 
So we get married and a house of our own, and we get off work and both come home.

She pulls up her sleeve, says: “like it, please! I got tattooed, but please don’t leave.”

She utters:

 “I know that I look different today.  

Would you miss me if I went away?

Do you still love me like you did yesterday?” 
And I replied: 

 “My preference only changes as you do. 

You’re beautiful. My Love, I love You.” 
Then she has our kids and we raise them together. We both get old and look under the weather. 

I step to our room, where she stands in the mirror. She’s hiding a tear because age was her fear. 

She cries: 

 “I know that I look different today.  

Would you miss me if I went away?

 Do you still love me like you did yesterday?” 
And I replied: 

 “My preference has only changed as you do. 

You’re beautiful. Gorgeous, I love You.” 
I wake at her bedside, we’re tired and ill. We both have already turned in our will.

With breakfast in bed I kiss her forehead, and hold her hand tightly to show what’s been said.

She whispers: 

 “I know that I look different today.  

Will you miss me when I go away?

Will you still love me like you did yesterday?” 
And I reply: 

 “My preference has always changed as you do. 

You’re beautiful. My Hero, I love You.” 
Written May 20th, 2017, for Cassie Marie, from Travis Jantzer